I welcome you to my world
hi
hi
+ Over the mountains and the sea
grief
i remember my first encounter with death.my grandfather passed away and to be honest, it was my very first funeral.
a best friend of mine passed away when i was 15 but the information didnt get to me in time.
all because my phone was switched off. (that was where the love-hate phone relationship started)
i was just in plain disbelief. i didn't want to accept his death, i prayed that no matter how scary it would seem, i wanted him to wake up and it would all go away. its not like i never wanted him to die. just not too soon. i wanted more time with him. i havent been the best granddaughter, i never had much time or love to spare. i was always too busy running off for classes. when i had time, i would sit with him over coffee and hindi movies, listen to the same old story. I loved listening to him go on and on even when i remembered every single detail in the story.
Clyde's death came like the passing wind. subtle but piercing cold.
We got to know he committed suicide and the million questions came to our heads
i didnt want to know why. i understood. completely.
i have always wanted to kill myself. i just never had the courage to.
clyde found his moment of courage and in that, he took his life.
im not saying it was the right thing to do, but i understood what he might have been feeling.
driven to the edge. without an answer or solution. and that gash of ever terrifying pain that engulfs your very soul. and you just want it all to stop. you want to sleep and wake up hoping its all gone. but night after night, you soon realize that it's not going to happen. you have to face you problems. then comes the how. more that always, the solutions need more than one giving hand. so he probably felt tied and that if no one understood what he meant or needed, he was too tired to explain or maybe there was just no words concise enough to describe his pain, his cries, or how badly he needed a hug. We were told he went missing on tuesday and despite everyone's effort to find him, they only managed to get him on thursday and he had already left us.
i think he tried, he tried to tell how exasperated he was, but we all thought he was strong enough.
thats just it about being strong, people always tell you, you'd be fine and you'll get through. they're wrong, they're all wrong. strong people also have days that we end up drowning. and best of all, no one hears our cries. or maybe they do but they just brush it off because they know us to be STRONG.
he knew that if his friends or family knew where he was they would have succeeded in stopping him. but that was just it, he didnt want to be stopped. it didnt matter who, what or where the pain was from, he just wanted it to all end. and it did. maybe.
Clyde, for the amazing person you are, we pray that you leave with no grievances tonight. no more feeling, no more pain. everyone is trying their best to be strong, for you.
rest in peace.
you will live forever in our memories.
yes, forever and ever.