i know its a little late.

i think of so many wonderful things to write, but they don't stay in my head very long

as you know, i've been working office hours now and its crazy amazing.

i get so much done, so much me time.

i cannot lie, there are so many things i have yet to share.

not because i don't want to, but because some are hard and some i cant even tell myself to believe

life has been good and bad, but alhamdulillah more good.

this hari raya puasa, i invited the son to spend it with my family because it is a great bonding time

and he sure had fun with his new friends and very tired too,

his mummy whatsapped me to say that he fell flat asleep after 30 minutes of getting home

i spent the morning of EID convincing myself to wake up to pre dawn prayers

i didnt manage to fall asleep early (2/3am)

it was 6am and i told myself, "Athirah sayang please wake up for prayers"

and then i did. haha. #alittlebitoflove

i was terribly sleepy but i heard someone laughing while doing my prayers.

-.-

momok, you came back on time didnt you?

sleepy as i was, i remembered mum saying there were a couple of things to do

so i went around to check if she had already done them, 

so there i started by filling a huge bowl with ice water and putting my face in it

i know very cruel but good for my pores and to wake me up.

and i was completely awake after that okay.

made a cup of coffee and started to arrange the raya goodies into their decorative bottles?

i don't know what they are called, fancy containers? entahlah

mum woke up to join me but went back to sleep around 8am saying she didnt get enough sleep.

i cleaned up and showered and went to get my dear son.

so much so for hari raya details.

we shall end there no?

next time la

______________________________________________________________________

i've been thinking a lot lately?

what do i want to do in with my life in the long run?

do i want a partner?

do i want to study further?

am i happy with what i am doing now?

am i managing my time well?

what are my priorities?

who are important to me?

if you want to be beautiful
buy flowers and take
them to the cemetery 

if you want to be free
write a letter to the person
you hate most then realize
you do not hate them
at all

if you want to be wild
wake up at 6 AM, drink
hot coffee and watch the
sunrise

if you want to be happy
smile at every person 
you see even if they aren’t
looking  

i am a preschool teacher and i constantly wonder how long i will last in my job.

no doubt on how much i love being a teacher, but everything else in the job

the paperwork, the colleagues, the parents and mostly expectations.

they make me question myself what i am doing this for

they make me question myself why.

its as if i am confused about my decision and im not.

i love teaching, i love being here knowing school is a safe learning haven for these kids

i love knowing this is a happy place to be where we won't cry.

where they can communicate their worldly problems and not be afraid of them.

i would love to learn more, but probably not in Singapore.

it's not that i don't want to be loved, i would be lying if i say that.

I just want to fall asleep knowing my heart is safe and i wont wake up alone.

Why do i keep falling for people who makeme cry instead of the ones who wipes my tears away?

I have to keep reminding myself tt love doesnt hurt. 

It's supposed to make me happy.

You asked why my friend is special?

Because he loves me unconditionally. I asked him what if i fell in love with you not him.

What if i decided to marry you, not him. He said he would be heartbroken BUT happy for me.

Because he wants whats best for me. He would give us his blessings.

I asked you the same. You sulked, And didnt want to speak to me. 

When u did, u said whatever. You showed great displeasure.

Brought it up when we miscommunicate. Pushing me away.

And even with all that, i love you. 

Maybe i shouldnt. 

Maybe someone else deserves me. 

Maybe i deserve someone else.

Im at crossroads.